Does everyone like oral sex?
Sex positivity
discourse celebrates oral sex as the gateway to pleasure paradise. Ergo, having
a lot of oral sex signals you’re sexually ‘modern’ and ‘liberated.’
But is the experience as delicious as everyone claims
– for everyone?
In keeping with AOIs quest for understading sexual
life not through slogans and prescriptions, but from the experiences of a wide
range of people we decided to ask, not whether they did or did not have oral
sex—but what their experiences with oral sex were.
A 125 people took our survey, which was online. Our
main finding?
Nearly 50% said they don’t like oral sex at all--or
enjoy it only sometimes.
WHO TOOK THE SURVEY
We supplemented the responses with insights from
experts in the medical, sex therapy and relationship counselling space.
1. “ Why did you have oral sex for the first time?”
37% women had oral sex for the first
time because their (male) partner wanted it.
Meanwhile,
the number of men who tried oral sex for the first time because their female
partner wanted to try it? ZERO!
A
smaller percentage of couples had a conversation about it and expressed a
mutual desire to try oral sex (22.7% men vs 28.5% women)
Some
people opted for oral sex as a better/easier option to first-time penetrative sex, about which
they felt much greater anxiety. But — more on that later.
2. Oral sex has/is a gender gap issue
Matlab?
Matlab,
overall, men are more likely to ask their female partners to go down on them,
but less likely to reciprocate.
Nearly 41% of heterosexual cis-women
said that they had felt forced, coerced and persuaded to give their male
partners a blowjob.
Compared to this, only 3% of heterosexual
cis-men said that they’d felt pressured to go down on their female partner.
“There is a huge gender disparity – a larger number of
men want women to go down and give them a blowjob. But the same person who asks
for it so eagerly, and wants their female partner to go down on them badly, say
that they are not comfortable when their partner asks them to reciprocate.
“Women are invariably much more ready to go down on
their male partners, than the other way around, who often say that they are not
comfortable.”
Dr. Rajan Bhonsle, Marriage
Counsellor
Founder, Heart-to-Heart India, based in Mumbai
3. What did women who took the AOI Oral Sex Survey have to
say?
“I gave a blowjob every single time we were together
and was even complimented that I give the best head of all to keep me going,
but was never returned the favor, which made me feel insecure”
Cis-woman, bisexual, 34, Mumbai
“No
cis-man has ever been hesitant in asking me to go down on him. But I have
always hesitated before asking.”
“It's
astonishing how less men want to perform oral sex while they expect it every
single time!”
Cis woman, heterosexual, 26, Mumbai
4. Women
experienced the pressure to go down on their male partners in different ways.
“He
seemed to be disinterested in me. I gave him a blowjob because I thought that
was the only way to please him.”
Cis-woman, bisexual, 34, Bangalore
“I
felt like I had to do it, only then would he return the favour.”
Cis-woman, bisexual, 21, Pune
“I
puked the first time and was very embarrassed but my partner was supportive and
didn't mind. But later, I felt more pressured to do well.”
Cis-woman, bisexual, 25, Pune
“Sometimes the partners push your head down while
receiving head, which is not suitable/nice when you are going down on someone
who is AMAB (assigned male at birth).”
- Cis-woman, pansexual, 23, Mumbai
“I generally enjoy going down on people, but it
depends. Sometimes men will hold your head down and push up into your mouth,
which makes me throw up.”
-Transfeminine, queer, 24,
Mumbai
The gap was also not just in the
number of times that people went down on their partners, but also in terms of
the quality of the experience.
When men did go down, it didn’t
always feel like they wanted to reciprocate. Many women said that they felt
ashamed and insecure because of their partner’s reluctance.
“When men go down on you half-heartedly, it just
doesn't feel good. Which is why for most of my sexually active life, I believed
that oral sex isn’t pleasurable.”
Cis woman, pansexual, 23
years old
“Most times, cis men don't go down on me as religiously as I
would on them. They may do it for a couple of minutes, sometimes seconds! It
feels like they’re trying to get even or that they just don't care enough.”
Cis woman, pansexual, 23
years old
“When he does down on me, he expects me to be
grateful. I’m also supposed to ‘like it,’ because of which I feel pressured.”
Cis woman, pansexual, 26
“I
don’t find the sight of male genitals attractive nor do I enjoy giving head. I
do it only because they do it to me so I have to otherwise I just wouldn’t.”
Cis-woman, bisexual
5. AOI asked:
“Where did you first hear about oral sex from?”
Over
90% of people across sexualities and gender identities had heard about oral sex
for the first time from either friends, or porn.
And
their expectations and ideas about
oral sex mainly come from:
Representations
of oral sex in porn
Pop
culture
And
also what they heard from friends and peers
“All my friends say that their
partners are giving them oral sex and my partner isn’t doing the same for me. I
hear this a lot. People weren’t discussing oral sex much earlier in the 80s and 90s. It
would not even occur to many people because they hadn’t heard or read about it.
It started becoming a phenomenon from the
‘90s onwards once videos of porn became available. And then came video
cassettes – married couples and friend groups gathered together to watch porn.
Now digital media has also got people a lot more curious and wanting to
experiment with oral sex.”
Dr. Rajan Bhonsle
Psychiatrist Dr. Alpesh Panchal also notes that Western
pornography especially becomes a template for how sex is supposed to ‘play out.nchal
“Porn. It’s a given that that’s how sexual act is supposed to
begin. We have to tell and have shared in seminars too that sex is not to be
defined as what you see in porn,with Stage 1, 2, 3. It can be completely
different. Stimulation is different for different people. It’s hyped because of
western pornography.”
6. AOI: “What makes
you not want to go down on your partner?”
Poor personal hygiene was the top reason why people were put
off by oral sex.
Nearly
40% of people cited various factors related to hygiene as a reason for not
going down on their partners. Some hesitation is also because they’re our susu-potty
parts.
“They
hadn't showered in 3 days because of exams so it was stinky down there!”
Non-binary, pansexual, 26, Nagpur
“If they haven’t properly washed down there, it smells quite
unpleasant.”
Transfeminine, queer, 24
“She
was on her periods, and I felt a little repulsed.”
Cis man, heterosexual, 22, Navi
Mumbai
“As a cis woman, I'm not new to people's
(especially cis men) comments on how the vagina ‘smells weird,’ how they don't
prefer hair there, or and implying it is not hygienic enough or whatever.”
Cis-woman, pansexual, 25
“My
girlfriend thinks it’s very unhygienic to have oral sex. It is very hairy.”
Cis-woman, lesbian, 23
“I
know he doesn’t like it when I am bushy down there.”
Cis-woman, bisexual, 21, Delhi
“He
often doesn’t go down on me because of his personal inhibitions. He perceives
it as “dirty”’.
Non-binary, graysexual, panromantic,
38, Mumbai
While hygiene and grooming were often the
reason women felt put-off about oral sex, men were often influenced by stereotypes
of ‘ideal’ feminine bodies – and sometimes, discomfort about vaginas.
Many women said male partners avoided
going down if they were ‘bushy’ or too ‘wet.’ Some found oral sex ‘dirty’ or
were repulsed by period blood.
Doctors said that
men sometimes have an ‘aversion’ to what female genitalia looks like. Dr. Rajan has heard this from several of his male patients –
“She’s great, but
I cannot bring myself to look at her vagina, I keep my eyes closed throughout.”
“I lose my desire
once I look at it”
7. At times, insecurities about body
image and performance anxiety also made people feel nervous about their
partners going down on them.
“I
felt intimidated by it and had a fear of performing badly, until I expressed
those thoughts with a partner. I started focusing on my own enjoyment of it,
and learnt to communicate.”
Cis-woman, bisexual, 24, Mumbai
“I’ve
been asked to not go down because my partners felt insecure about it.”
Cis-man, heterosexual, 23, Bangalore
“I
went down on my first boyfriend before he went down on me, and I enjoyed it a
lot more than I expected. I was a little hesitant for him to go down on me and
so was he, so it never happened. I guess
we were too young and I had a lot of body image issues as well. But after that,
oral sex has been a lot of fun – both giving and receiving!”
Cis-het woman, 25
8. But wait! People also liked oral sex!
Some
of the reasons were switching up of power dynamics, pleasuring their partner,
no pregnancy scares. And because it’s a lot of fun!
(17%
of people actually preferred oral sex to penetrative sex)
“I think what I like best about oral is
that it puts me in a position of power even if I'm on my knees or whatever. I
am responsible for my partner's pleasure and, if I'm lucky, their release”
Non-binary, pansexual, 26, Nagpur
“I
wanted to go down on him in the heat of the moment”
Cis-woman, heterosexual, 25, Delhi
“The
orgasms I get when men go down on me are nothing compared to penetrative ones.”
Cis-woman, heterosexual, 32
“I
prefer giving oral sex, it’s erotic to see my partner squirm in pleasure”
Cis-woman, pansexual, 21, Pune
“I'm
not yet fully OK with penetrative sex. I had a pregnancy scare once and it was
just way too scary ;.; with oral sex I can fully enjoy sex.”
Cis-woman, heterosexual
9. Some people’s relationships with
oral sex did change over time.
Factors like communication, time and
respecting each other’s preferences helped people enjoy oral sex more.
“Earlier,
I felt disgust and fear about oral sex due to societal perception and fear of
judgment. But my partner’s comforting conversations helped me overcome my
hesitation, turning it into a pleasurable experience”
Cis woman, heterosexual, 26.
“When
I started having sex I was not very happy now I feel it’s the BEST”
Cis-woman, heterosexual
“My
partner and I have had elaborate conversations on oral sex and what works for
us individually. This did not happen on day 1 of course but over time it has
resulted in some earth shattering orgasms”
Cis-woman, heterosexual ,27
“It
has been a roller coaster - I initially was very scared of the idea of someone
going down on me, though I felt okay with going down on him. Probably because
we see many blowjobs in porn, but lesser videos which include cunnilingus. But
he once did it, and it was very pleasurable, so we've not stopped ever since.”
Cis-woman, pansexual
What did we understand after reading the
qualitative responses from the survey?
Different people have different sexual
experiences, irrespective of Western narratives which dominate cultural
conversations and depictions. People also feel differently about oral sex with different
partners, and with support from them. Those whose relationship with oral sex
had changed over time also tended to have a more open, relaxed, and
communicative sexual dynamic—with both their partners and with sex itself. They
stayed curious, experimented, and saw intimacy as exploration and not
expectation.
“My
first time with a woman taught me a lot about oral sex. Men haven't wanted to
go down that much.”
Cis-woman, bisexual, 27
I
thought I disliked oral sex, but I liked it later with some of my partners. I
think I just preferred being with people who identified a certain way, and who
also didn’t pressure me!”
Cis-woman, pansexual
Perhaps, all we need to give each other is
some time and some breathing room.
