Before I start, I’d like to point out that I’m French born and raised of Indian origin. My name is Ishta, and this is my story.
It started in 2016. I was 23 years old then and was working in the family business. I woke up one day with severe pain in my vulvar area and inside my vagina. The pain had been around for a while, but it just kept getting worse until that day. I woke up feeling like my private parts were on fire. A few weeks after this pain started, I went to see my gynecologist.
I was a virgin at that time (still am, technically), and my only sexual encounter was a chaste kiss on the lips with this very cute guy whilst playing spin the bottle. I am definitely an extrovert, but I was extremely shy too. Anything that came close to flirting or getting intimate with someone was scary to me.
The gynecologist was extremely rude to me, and screamed at me more than once for refusing to let her insert the speculum as I was in too much pain.
I’d gone alone as it’s customary to consult your gynecologist on your own, especially when you’re above 18.
She also didn’t believe me when I told her that I was a virgin. She wanted me to get tested for STDs such as chlamydia. Anyway, when I went to the lab to get tested, the nurse was very kind and decided not to use a speculum. She simply rubbed the swab inside my vagina.
But the simple contact between the swab and my skin was so painful that I was in tears.
The nurse was confused but understanding about the whole situation. She told me that my private parts were red, which was quite unusual.
When I got the results, I learned that I had a fungal infection and my gynecologist prescribed vaginal tablets. After inserting them I would roll in the bed from the pain and wouldn’t be able to move for at least half an hour.
I’d be prescribed vaginal tablets and/or antibiotics once every two weeks. This was just the beginning of six months of being prescribed antibiotics and antifungal medicines continuously even though I had no symptoms of any sort of infection.
I was in India on a holiday and the gynaecologists there didn’t try to do any exam on me because I was unmarried and therefore a virgin (I found it quite funny and endearing to be honest, but truth be told, I actually was a virgin).
When I came back to Paris, we found out I had severe anemia—I’d had severe hair loss and felt extremely tired 24x7. so I got a blood test done. I got a few other tests done and was diagnosed with endometriosis. I was given a list of gynaecologists who specialise in endometriosis a gynecological condition where there are growths inside and outside the uterus, and the symptoms are painful periods and heavy bleeding. I went to see a bunch of them. Basically, when I would see them for the first time, they wouldn’t try to do any gynaecological exam, but would mention that they would do it at the next appointment. Obviously, I was so scared and traumatised that I would switch to another doctor every time. By then, I had understood that my pain had nothing to do with endometriosis. The thing is, I have learnt now that endometriosis can sometimes cause pain during penetration, if there are growths near the vagina. However, in my case, the pain was mostly located in the vulvar area. I would like to point out that in some cases, the inflammation caused by endometriosis can also play a role in chronic vulvar pain.
In 2017, I had an appointment with another gynaecologist specialised in endometriosis. When I told her about my chronic pain in the vulvar area and vagina, she asked me, in an almost brutal way, if I had been sexually abused or raped in my childhood.
I literally broke down in tears and admitted I had been sexually abused by a man in his mid-forties when I was 12 years old. It had taken me a few years to tell anyone else about it.
Truth is, I had forgotten about it for many years, and I only remembered it when the #MeToo movement started.
She then asked me if I had heard of “vulvodynia”. So, I did look it up on Google a few months before meeting her but there was very little information about it on the Internet. She told me to go see a therapist and work on my trauma to get rid of the pain.
That night, I was having drinks with a friend, and when I went to pee the pain was so intense I couldn’t move for a few minutes. I realised my pain was definitely linked to my trauma, but I also thought I made it up in my head. Basically, I thought my pain was only mental, not physical. Little did I know that I would meet, a few months later, a doctor who would change my life forever.
I was talking to my friend’s girlfriend who has endometriosis as well, and she told me she goes to an algologist (a doctor who is basically a pain specialist) for her period pain. I had little to no hope but my mom forced me to go see the algologist. I was almost in tears as I told her about my symptoms and my suffering and she was so incredibly patient and kind as she listened to me and told me I was not crazy.
The diagnosis was vulvodynia, which simply means, chronic pain in the vulva. She explained that my trauma must have played a role but there are various causes to vulvodynia. There are two types of treatment usually prescribed for vulvodynia: antiepileptics and antidepressants.
Vulvodynia has nothing to do with epilepsy or depression, but it’s a form of neuropathic pain, and certain types of antiepileptic meds or antidepressants are very effective for this kind of pain. Since I kept saying that the pain was in my head, the algologist put me on an antiepileptic medicine as she was afraid that prescribing me antidepressants could make me believe further that I was making it all up.
It was such a relief to finally know that my feelings were valid and that there was an explanation for my pain! As soon as I started taking this medicine, my pain reduced. Within two years, the pain completely went away!
My algologist had sent me to a physiotherapist who specialises in pelvic pain, for perineal rehabilitation, as vulvodynia is often linked to a contracted perineum. So the first physiotherapist I went to, asked me to take off my clothes on our first session, and tried to insert her finger in my vagina, to no avail. She then told me I also had vaginismus. My first reaction was: what the f*** is that ?
So the definition is: painful spasmodic contraction of the vagina in response to physical contact or pressure, especially during sexual intercourse. To be fair, it can make any form of penetration difficult, even inserting a finger, a toy, or a simple tampon. So what is the consequence of this spasmodic contraction of the vagina? Basically, the vagina tightens because of the contraction, so penetration is partially or completely impossible to do.
As you can imagine, this brand new diagnosis really pissed me off. I kept wondering: when will it all stop? The pain relief made me feel like I was finally moving forward, but the diagnosis made me feel like a huge step back. Since my pain would vary, depending on my stress levels, sometimes I’d be able to work for an entire day at office, and sometimes I needed to lie down at home whilst working.
Since the first physiotherapist I went to asked me to take off my clothes on the first session and inserted her finger without informing me beforehand, I decided to go see someone else. I started working on it with another physiotherapist, who was extremely nice and very particular about consent, but unfortunately, she was terrible at her job. She would insert her finger and start applying pressure everywhere and I would be in so much pain after the session that I had to take a very strong pain killer before every session. Plus, my perineum was even more contracted because of the pain (which is the opposite of what we were aiming for) and I started having trouble peeing. Sometimes, I wouldn’t be able to pee for 20 hours.
When COVID happened, I left a job that wasn’t making me happy. Plus the fact that I didn’t have to sit all day, combined with my treatment helped me heal faster. I decided to stop going for physiotherapy sessions.
So I set up my own Instagram pages in French (2019) and English (2021) where I talk about all these gynaecological problems.
Last year, around February, I asked my followers for help. I was still suffering from vaginismus, and I didn’t know what to do… A physiotherapist who specialised in pelvic pain and based in Paris, responded to my Insta story and told me she would love to help. I happily accepted her offer, and man, I wasn’t disappointed at all. So she and her colleague both work at the same place and they are both experts in pelvic pain.
They are extremely empathetic, and they have a lot of experience in that area, so they always take time out to talk to you, to analyse your story, your trauma, your experiences. They also have the latest machines to help cure vulvodynia and/or vaginismus. Unfortunately, those machines are very costly and from what I remember, only three health professionals have them in France.
The first one is a specific luminotherapy machine with LED tubes that are inserted in the vagina for tissue repair, and the second one is a focus shockwave machine that helps relax the muscles. Of course, we first started with breathing exercises and my physiotherapist would insert her finger and apply pressure… without hurting me! Then slowly, as my vagina dilated more and more, she started using the luminotherapy machine. We also used vaginal dilators at times.
A vaginal dilator simply is tube shaped device, that comes in different sizes, to help dilate, or rather stretch the vagina. It’s also a very effective technique to get rid of vaginismus.
I have been doing these physiotherapy sessions for a year now, and guess what… I don’t have vaginismus anymore! However, I still feel pain when a dilator or tube from that luminotherapy machine is inserted in my vagina.
According to both my physiotherapists, I’m still not ready to do penetration, but once I find someone I love and who loves me back, I should be able to do penetration like anybody else. In fact, they told me cute stories about some of her patients; for example, there was this girl who wasn’t able to do penetration until her boyfriend confessed his love for her!
I’d like to add that you can find a partner, even if you’re suffering from a similar condition, many people will love and accept you for who you are. In my case, since I was suffering from PTSD, plus all these gynecological conditions, my psychiatrist sent me to another psychiatrist to do this special therapy that was specifically designed for PTSD, called EMDR. Basically, the doc asked me to think about a traumatic event. Then, she moved her finger left and right and I had to follow the movement with my eyes. We did about 7 sessions, and it was really effective. I At the age of 28, I finally started going on dates, with men and women!
Reminder: I had only kissed one guy in my entire life, until I turned 28! Strangely, after doing EMDR, I really wanted to “experience” with a woman at least once. Before that, I had always thought I was only attracted to men, except for Megan Fox (but I mean, who isn’t?). Coincidentally, a few weeks after thinking about it, I had my first sort-of sexual encounter, and it was with a woman! I had met her at a party, and developed a huge crush on her, which made me realize that I was attracted to women as well as men. Even though I have a huge preference for men, I still identify as queer.
From the age of 28 to 31, I wasn’t looking for something serious, and I’ve had my fair share of dates and sexual encounters. I had always been honest about my condition (perhaps a little too much) with the people I went on dates with, and most of the time, they didn’t have an issue with it. I had been blocked a few times, and some people did suspect I was lying about my condition, but overall, I met very open-minded and caring people. Now, you must be wondering, how to have sex, when you have this condition?
First of all, I’d like to point out that sex shouldn’t be all about penetration. Oral sex is sex. Women who have sex with other women don’t do penetration with a penis, but that’s still sex. So for a year, after I turned 28, I would only do oral sex. To this day, fingering is still painful, so I don’t let anyone do it to me. Then, in 2022, I started seeing a friend who became my friend with benefits, for a year and a half. He introduced me to anal sex, and personally, I really liked it, but you shouldn’t feel compelled to do it just because you can’t do penetration. Then, until 2023, I would still only do oral sex with the other people I met through apps, and anal sex with my friend with benefits. Beginning of 2023, I started doing anal sex with other people as well, not only my partner. By end of year 2023, I realised I was looking for something more serious. I’d like to love, to be loved, to experience that feeling at least one my life, so that’s my current mood.
Anyway, until I meet someone I feel comfortable with, I’ll continue doing the physiotherapy sessions once in three weeks. Fingers crossed!
Ishta is French born and raised of Indian origin. She is currently working on starting her own jewellery business. She talks about her journey on @pelvicpain.in and @douleursfeminines (French version)
