The over-friendly neighbourhood viral websitescoops you on bra hacks today,Clever tricks to extend your bra’s lifeor make it multitask.Joyful pursepective,for women aloneknow the torment that precedes the discovery of the just-right gravity-defining contraption. This is how it goes.*invoking matron deity of the titular domain* Step 1You venture into one of those chain stores at a mallAnd inch towards the lawnjzhurey section but stop short of it. Step 2Taking cover behind a shelf, you eye the brands on the other sideand check out their discounts surreptitiously, compile a mental short list.Step 3 You aim for the brand with the busiest salesgirl and saunter towards the displayNOT making eye contact.All your practice in window-shopping comes to aid your pretence. Step 4You quickly scan for your possible sizes and required colours andpick them gingerly off their hooks*the only time you are gentle with these contorters.*Step 5Just when you begin to congratulate yourselfand try to slink away to the trail roomyou get waylaid bythe BRAZILLA. This is the bra salesgirl, the votary of the mammary clanwho has used her telepathetic powers to intuit your desperation and decided to unleash her cloying charm full beam on you.*Petite, but loud, she is made of harder stuff than the underwire poking your ribs.* Step 6Hello, ma’am! Size, ma’am?Padded-unpadded-wired-unwired-sports-regular-tshirt-fancy-lace-strapless-detachable-transparent-racerback, ma’am?chest-raying you like no bosom pal would. Step 7That size, ma’am?That won’t fit you.Try this.Sample 1Sample 2Sample 345*count till your band size*. Step 7By now, lesser brazillettes with weaker powersare hovering around likeindulgent autorickshaws when you don’t need them.This brand, ma’am.New design, ma’am.Buy 2, get 1 free, ma’am.Maximiser, Minimiser, Invisibiliser, ma’am.Flurried calculations across brandsa band size up, a cup size downyour forearms are foisted with different permutations and combinationstill it becomes a banyan tree with hanging roots. Step 8Brazilla’s icy stare.Which brand do YOU want?*tr. May your breasts wither away if you try the others on.*You grimace a smileand hastily make towards your trial. Step 9Female guard on duty allows onlysixof said samples in with you.Your heart soars.Bridezilla marches in confidentlysnatches surplus from youand (un) assures,You go. I’ll give. Cowering, you enter. Thankful for at least that much privacy. Step 10Try bra. Survey in mirror.Repeat ∞Compare probables, re-try. Step 11Voice intrudes,You find the top of the stall door strewn with bras you didn’t shortlist.You shudder, pass over rejects same way,pretend to try out the second batch,and before they can come back with moreto enamour and bewitch you with,you desperately grab atthe cheapest among the finalists. Put it back. You want it to last.Pick up most expensive semi-finalist.10% discount only. Bummer.Steel yourself,Rummage through heap for original bra,dress back.Pile rejects on left arm, winner on rightwalk out,nudge away guilt,try for stern look,get singed by Brazilla’s fuming glare insteadfor not choosing any of hers.But she has a backup to thrust at you.Aha. But it’s out of your budget, you say.But you can try, no, ma’am? she barks. *Where are the ‘steps’ you say? To hell with them. Just let me get out of there, I say.* The brazillettes by now turn awaywearing their pity for your bad tasteacross their faces.You’re not worth their bras,their arched eyebrows andindifferent shoulders say. The triumphant one beams at youfrom her bra-zen statesmirks at them,accompanies youto the cash counteroffering to camouflageyour purchase in a large shopping bag. You stand in queue,half-regret your choice,almost go back,then resign to fate. Robotic smile and greeting from counter guyscanning of barcode, peering at screen while trying to sign you up for their loyalty program,unaware of your very disloyal thoughts at the moment. Sorry ma’amDiscount scheme not available on your productyou are by now a nihilist existentialist free-the-nippleistalmost, that last one*you recall all those activist-friends have breasts one-fourth your size*You almost ask for the Manager.Almost ask for compensation for your trauma.Consider online shoppingRemember previous experience.Aloud: It’s ok.Make purchase,shuffle along to exit. Step 100Glance back at those contendersin the distance, fighting outtheir next battle of the brastards,those iron ladiesof polyester silk nylon spandex foam.You mutter a prayer for their next collateral,and disappear. Cheering marginally atthe prospect of having something new to rant aboutpost recovery in a week or two. Bilkul andar ki baat.
The bra-shopping adventure story every woman knows too well.
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