KINKY IS QUEER

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There is no one meaning of Queer

How good is that!

So here’s my chance to tell you what Queer is for me

But before that shall I, say, introduce myself?

 

I think I’ve been a feminist since that time

I must have been 13 I think

My father was sending my brothers on a school trip

And I asked ‘Accha? Aur beti ka kya hoga?’

Long before I found the word

And joined the women’s movements

 

Feminism, I feel, is in my blood

Unfolding and unfolding in my life, that feminist mantra

‘the personal is political’

never ceases to amaze me with its meanings

And I’m filled with gratitude for it

At 35 sudden, dramatic, lust for a woman made me realize I was not straight.

A quick plunge followed quickly by a plunge into queer activism.

At 47 I fell in love, sudden and dramatic once again

This time with the amazing world of Bondage, Domination and Sado-Masochism

Quickly followed by kink activism

with comrades in Kinky Collective

busting myths and sharing

the magic of BDSM

Circling back

to Queer

 

If I may begin

with what I feel Queer is not.

Queer to me is not just an umbrella term for the many sexual and gender identities that exist.

Queer to me is not just LGBTQIHKJ….

Those other alphabets, BDSM,

helped me understand this more.

 

Oh wait here! Like with Queer, let me say what BDSM is not.

BDSM is not about 50 Shades of Crap, oops, Grey

It is not about men inflicting pain on women because they had a traumatic childhood.

It is not about weak women.

Not about violence and abuse.

It is about letting power and energy flow as intensely as it will,

in the erotic.

And it’s not as exotic as it sounds.

You know, we know that binary of pain and pleasure is false

If we’ve enjoyed a love bite

Or a mirchi vada

And it’s not just about pain.

For some it’s not about pain at all but about

Complete surrender or total domination

Pain or power

What matters is consent

It’s what makes BDSM tick

 

So now

Without more ado, adieu to introductions

Shall I tell you why I feel kinky is queer?

 

Maybe I feel that Kinky is Queer because I am Kinky and Queer

 

But maybe it’s also because when I first joined the community

and as a hyper excited and nervous newbie asked the experienced ones

how they had dealt with the fear they must have felt at the beginning,

they turned around and said fear? You mean thrill?

Maybe it’s because I had no answer to ‘did you like it’ after I was whipped for the first time

till the wetness told me that I did

Maybe it’s because Pain is pleasure

Humiliation is hot

Every thing is upside down

Subversion I guess

 

Maybe I feel Kinky is Queer because of the biggest ulta phulta of them all

Of how powerful I feel as a submissive

Maybe because boundaries are pushed

And because the Dominant can dominate only because I submit

And that time when I was down, on all fours,

and the fury of a Dominant was pouring down on me,

and I, absolutely still, unresponsive, in my head, was saying…

you fucker…you are so wrong this time

And the other time when after I did what I can’t believe I actually did, he said – you are not my slave.

Why did you even do that? Who was it for?

 

Maybe I feel Kinky is Queer

Because I thought I was a hard core submissive

Till the time we bought a flogger

And I used it and I felt angry because she did not say thank you like she meant it

And because, later, with my feet resting on her chest,

I felt like a Goddess

 

Maybe I feel Kinky is Queer because of the flogger

I wish an Akhil would write about the flogger

So gentle, so sensuous, barely touching the skin, so rhythmic, so fierce, so able to break the skin…

Creating marks we wear with pride, like jewellery

 

Maybe I feel Kinky is Queer because not everyone has the luxury of wearing marks

Not the submissive man who is married

Who has no way of explaining away the marks

Who has no way of explaining to his friends why he wants a divorce from his wife who is oh so nice

Including his best friends who have no clue that kink is his sexual orientation

Although they suspect he might be gay.

 

Maybe I feel Kinky is Queer because it’s like a raag

Crazy creativity unleashed

within the discipline of boundaries

 

Maybe I feel Kinky is Queer

Because of my dear heterosexual male friend who finds himself playing with a person who happens to have a dick

Or the many dykes who submit to and are in relationships with men

Because at the end of the day it’s whether the power flows that matters

Whether the power does not cling and fix and stay but flows

that matters

 

My speaking about kink bhari sabha mein,

Having felt like a revolutionary as I walked in handcuffs on pride the other day

Quite the aaj baazar mein pabajaulan chalo

Maybe it is because of the privileged upper class, upper caste, older bitch that I am

That I can sit here and say with pride that Kinky is Queer

kinky-link

Jaya Sharma is a queer, kinky feminist who is trying to become a writer. She is part of the Kinky Collective. To reach out to Kinky Collective, go to their Facebook Page here.

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