My Journey From Trauma To Touch - A Poem - Agents of Ishq

My Journey From Trauma To Touch – A Poem

By Anusha Basu



I’ve kept a secret well hidden

For years and years

My fear of touch.

My visions of terror;

My hostile storm to be free

Of thought, vulnerability

Howls fathoms deep through

Years of coping unhealthily

But there was another vision still

I could not quite recall

A blurry figure

Dark, drunk, angry, tall

Heavy of grip, terror of eye

A recurring role in

My nightmarish nights

I could not place why

Or how to stop

I learnt to ignore

My thoughts

As they say, move on


But I could not touch,

Or hug, or feel

I rejected any kind of


Sometimes so bad

Were the dreams I’d had

I’d shout and scream,

Compete with my heart beat

Tears, pillows, fears

I could not understand, only run

The best way to get away from

This dark figure, angry, drunk.

Years of avoidance

Guilt, confusion

Till I understood these nightmares

Were not just delusion


Back when I was small and younger

A dark being had once loomed over

I had no escape, I was trapped,

in anger, afraid, distraught

Overpowered by weight

Close to me, they went beyond

My physical boundaries, my mental bond

I buried the incident, it’s what denial is for,

Confused myself I hadn’t seen what I saw

He does not know, but my anger remained

As my sense of vigilance to avoid the pain

I realized why I could not touch

If mine was violated, whom could I trust?


But, I learnt about trauma and how it shows

Through ways in myself, and my sense of control

Slowly now, I learn to express

I laugh, I cry, I do not repress

But maybe if I’d stood up that day

Today I could hug, touch, not shy away?

I wish I could tell my younger self

To stand up, fight and express

But I hug my self now and touch the part

My desiring, resilient, loving heart


Years of denial left me wondering though

Is consent a feeling, more than just a “no”?

How would one know if they’d crossed a line

If I never spoke out, but my boundaries were destroyed?



Anusha Basu is a 19 year old student of English, who enjoys expressing her emotions through writing and making limericks. You can always find her with a cup of chai, contemplating about her existence, hopefully surrounded by lots of dogs. 



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