Images by Debasmita Das
Are you thinking of having sex with another person for the first time? Excited but nervous? Confused? Here’s a simple checklist to help you figure this out!
Will it hurt?
For some people, having penetrative sex for the first time is painful. But it is not the case for everyone. Waiting until you are fully turned on instead of being in a hurry, using lubrication during vaginal or anal sex, and being gentle with each other, can make it more comfortable the first time – and more enjoyable!
Will there be blood?
It doesn’t happen every time or for everyone. If you have a vagina, the hymen may tear during penetrative sex and cause you to bleed a little. Rough vaginal or anal sex might also cause bleeding. If sex feels really uncomfortable or painful, stop, and try again later if you still want to.
Psst: the idea of blood being a sign of virginity – this is not true and not important!
What should I do?
Sex isn’t just about putting a penis in a vagina, hai na? Intercourse is a part of sex, but many other things are also a delightful part of sex – holding hands, kissing, being naked in front of someone, touching their body, cuddling – all of these things can be sexual. Let’s call it outercourse. Outercourse helps you figure out what you like, what you are comfortable with. You can also go forward in stages, a little at a time – some kissing and cuddling one day, other things another day.
Do I really want to?
Becoming sexually active before you are mentally ready will not make you cool, pakka. Tune out the voices of your friends and frenemies. forget any faltu peer pressure in videos and movies. Just ask yourself: “Do I want to have sex with this person?”
If the answer is “shayad” rather than “bilkul”, there’s no harm in waiting. And how far should you go? See earlier question – check out the outercourse!
Does my partner really want to?
This is a good question! Other good questions – start by asking “Can we? Shall we?” Follow these up with “Are you sure?” Look for unspoken signals too – are they awkward, stiff, uncomfortable? Also, you know that a yes or no is not one time and one time only, right? Don’t force anyone, just like you wouldn’t want anyone to force you.
Is it legal for me to have sex?
Whatever your gender or sexual orientation, it is fine for you to have sex with someone who also wants to have sex with you. This is called consensual sex.
When it comes to age, however, as per the law having sex with someone who is under 18 years of age, or sex between people who are under 18, is considered illegal in India, even if it is consensual sex.
Should I ask, condom hai kya?
Nope. Carry one yourself, no matter what your gender. A condom is your best wingperson, your ultimate chaddi buddy. It doesn’t just help avoid pregnancy – it can prevent the spread of sexually transmitted infections like chlamydia, syphilis, and HIV. Where is the fun in having sex if it means falling sick?
Condoms can be used for vaginal, oral and anal sex when penises are involved (for oral sex involving vaginas, use a dental dam). And sex ke beech mein, change condoms between rounds.
How should I prepare my body, beauty-vaghera-wise?
No need to swim in milk or oil or perfume – take a bath, clean your genitals and brush your teeth – these are basics. You will feel many feelings about how you look, but here are some items that don’t get in the way of good sex: body hair, pubic hair, chotu or motu bodies. Uske aage, you and your partner can figure what your personal preferences are – but body shaming and body hating do come in the way of good sex.
Will it be like the movies – a little bit at least?
Which movie? Porn movie or non-porn movie – remember they are all partly make believe.Your partner may not make the noises that people do in porn. Maybe you’ll want to have sex again right away. Maybe you’ll find that you don’t enjoy sex as much as you thought you would, and decide to take a break for a while. Things may go off script, and that’s okay! Maybe you will take 5 minutes to orgasm or 15 or 50. Or not have an orgasm. As long as you’re having fun, try karne me kya jaata hain?
Here are some strange ideas people got from porn, which simply don’t happen IRL.
Location setup kiya?
Do you have a safe place to have sex in, where you and your partner have enough privacy? Will you have enough time to do what you’d like to? Is the place clean? Don’t forget to do a little planning!
If my first time is not fabulous, then what?
If your first time doesn’t work out the way you would like it to, remember you can and will have sex again, if you want to. And practice makes perfect!
Here is some more reading about having sex:
How do I get naked with someone?
What are the stages of consent?
If what’s happening in bed isn’t turning me on, how do I tell my partner about it?
How can I have better sex?
Are men’s orgasms and women’s orgasms the same?
What should I do about my body hair?
What is sex? What is gender? What is queer?
What is sex like if I do not fall into the binary categories of male and female?